cumsock:

phukers:

I’m going to nickname my child lil Bitch 

i see you’re passing on the family name

narwhal-noir:

I took my girlfriend to an improv show the other night and during intermission we were passionately arguing over whether half a 5 Hour Energy shot would give you 2.5 hours of energy or 5 hours of half-assed energy so we turned around to ask the opinions of the three people behind us and one of them said “Are all your arguments like this because we heard you in the lobby earlier fighting over the right way to pronounce ‘egg’?”

White people: terrorists? From the Middle East? All brown people no exceptions.
White people: Jesus Christ? From the Middle East? White. Obviously.

ggaga:

i cant believe they named an entire dog breed after pitbull

bagmilk:

swellower:

communistbakery:

swellower:

who is the most honest rapper

trusta rhymes

tru chainz

Abraham Lincoln

lovesexdevotion:

That was so beautiful

drunktrophywife:

dennys:

"It’s a metaphor, see. You put the bacon thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the…um…well, you eat it, actually, ‘cause it’s there and you’re nearly tasting it. So it’s not a metaphor. Um. I have no idea where I was going with that. Want some bacon?"

I’m deleting

actionables:

When I see a friend’s selfie with no notes, I make it my mission to save the day

corrupted-teens:

Do you ever feel people staring at you and you like forget how to walk